Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.