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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend