My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
You Might Also Like
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years