The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Lol
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.