Wasps: bees, but not helping
You Might Also Like
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Dead sexy!!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank