My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I hope they boil the right one.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.