Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.