wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You Might Also Like
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.