Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious