I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
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[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Namaste
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.