Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Hey Fugeddaboutit
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth