[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
The glory of fall.
who wants to go expliring
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.