In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?