Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?