If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
You Might Also Like
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table