It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
This is hilarious….
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Alexa: *deep breath*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old