Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
You Might Also Like
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.