I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.