No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Merica.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now