[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
the council will decide your fate
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.