*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
It’s a gift
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.