Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
You Might Also Like
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date