I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You Might Also Like
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Candles never taste the way they smell
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?