There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
So inspired right now.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?