German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
ACED my prostate exam!
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Weirdos gonna weird.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”