Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I only treason on days ending in y
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*