Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
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Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.