I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
This forever.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.