Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
based al yankovic
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.