Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.