I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
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If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??