“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?