Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
You Might Also Like
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I hate my earbuds.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?