I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
You Might Also Like
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Meow
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Sharon I have some bad news
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk