Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Check your privilege
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.