restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
they really do be looking like this
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.