Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
A choir of Spring onions
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Always.
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Not today.. 😂
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!