Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Canadian owl: Eh?