Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.