Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.