Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.