That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
who did the taste test?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
How to wake up a Beagle
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Okay me first
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey