I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Breaking news:
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?