Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”