Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
i prefer mine room temperature.