Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
estão todos miauvindo?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.