High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄