Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.