Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me