If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.